Collectors of antiques may spend a lot of money only to be cheated. Most other hobbies also are expensive and entail more or less investment risk. By contrast, collecting jokes costs little and involves no danger of the counterfeit. There are no bogus jokes, only good and bad ones. Humor also dispenses happiness and cheers up people, while doing no injury to its devotees.
Some psychologists say a confirmed teller of jokes is trying to win approval. But who isn't? And often not so pleasantly. Others may suggest that amateur humorists seek to run away from reality. Every hobby is an escape of sorts, but to be without one is to make life too much of a burden. As a hobby, joke collecting affords maximum enjoyment for the money and effort.
Popularity as a conversationalist is another reward of collecting jokes. A collector is seldom at a loss for an appropriate story to drive home a point. He also draws dividends of health from his pastime. Doctors say laughter is a stimulant to good health. Humor provides a psychic release for the whole human system.
Except for tyrants of olden times and the Communists of the Red Guard era, the Chinese always have been a humor-indulging people. Their 5,000-year-old culture has instilled them with calmness in the face of danger, humility in the exercise of power, dignity in poverty, and modesty amidst wealth. Chinese have been taught to scorn the temptations of envy, intolerance, greed, false pride, and other weaknesses that may thwart spiritual growth. Such people find it easy to laugh at their own absurdities.
Humor is also a defense for the human ego. When confronted by situations they cannot cope with, people acquire strength by inventing stories ridiculing both situation and participants. Thus many jokes about henpecked husbands were written by men who feared their wives and dared not face up to them. Not every magistrate in the old days was kind and considerate. Bad ones were often downgraded as henpecked husbands or stupid; people traded jokes about their weaknesses, real or imaginary.
Jokes also are used to soften the impact of fear. One Western story concerns public speakers and stage fright. In the Rome of Nero's time, a young man was thrown into the arena to face the lions. He whispered something to a lion and it walked away. After this was repeated several times, the emperor sent for the young man and asked him what he had told the animals. After exacting a promise of freedom, the young man said he had told the lions: "If you eat me, you will have to make a speech."
The popularity of joking among the Chinese also may be explained historically. Civil wars, social upheavals, and foreign invasions often made life hard. The people found outlets in fantasy and humor. Bitter inner feelings were sugar-coated in the cryptic language of jokes. Social incongruities could be set forth by the people without calling down upon their heads the wrath of authority.
Things are different today on the Chinese mainland, because no one dares to trust anyone else. One cannot joke about the Communists, even in front of one's wife. In the mad Red drive toward the monolithic culture of Mao-think, joking is verboten.
Geography long has been a factor in Chinese joke-making. The extremes of climate and topography have given rise to regional jests. Travelers from afar found new customs strange and expressed respect or contempt in jokes. Differing dialects inspired many jokes, most of which may not be funny to those who do not speak Chinese.
Chinese humor was observed long ago by Occidental travelers who visited the Middle Kingdom and became acquainted with spoken Chinese. Early books of Chinese travel are rich in stories about the people's enjoyment of jokes. Chinese social gatherings were enlivened by jesting and punning. The tea houses of pre-Communist China provided a center for social life and joking for thousands of years. In Soochow—the Venice of the Far East—there were hundreds of tea houses, large and small, where green tea and pastries were served by fast-moving waiters. Visitors filled these establishments from morning till night, listening to the jokes and wisecracks of professional storytellers.
Enterprising sidewalk publishers collected jokes and humorous sayings and issued them in cheap editions. Humorous sketches and verses were written by indigent scholars and scribes. Forty-eight jokes have been chosen for inclusion in this article. They are not necessarily the best. Many Chinese jokes are too scatological for public print. These are jokes about henpecked husbands, stupid magistrates, clumsy doctors, doltish sons-in-law, impatient brides, and so on. From such samples it is possible to enjoy Chinese humor and to become acquainted with some of the vagaries of Chinese society in olden times. In passing, it can be observed that where the Chinese are not oppressed by Communist tyranny, they haven't changed much.
He Means No
Beaten up by his wife, a husband crawled under the bed to hide. "Come out this minute," shouted his wife. "No," came the feeble answer. "I'm a man and when a man says 'no', he means 'no'."
Only Joking
A henpecked husband gnashed his teeth and shook a clenched fist at the portrait of his dead wife hanging in front of her coffin. His freedom had finally come. Then a gust of wind moved the portrait. Opening his fist and extending hands in a gesture of supplication, he said: "No, please dear wife, I was only joking."
Enough Is Enough
A couple visited a shrine and asked for the god's protection and assistance in earning 100 pieces of cotton cloth. These were the days when wages were expressed in terms of piece goods. The man asked his wife in a low voice, so the god would not hear, "Will that be enough?" "Yes," she said, "if we get more, you will want a concubine."
No More Dreams
A man laughed in his dream and was awakened by his inquisitive wife. "What made you so happy?" she asked. He said: "I dreamed I had a concubine."
His furious wife made him kneel on the floor. "Promise me you'll never again dream such a dream," she ordered.
"Yes, yes, I promise," said the man quickly. His wife was still not satisfied. "How can I be sure that you'll keep your promise?" she asked.
"I won't fall asleep," he replied.
Meeting Adjourned
A district magistrate known as a flatterer called on the governor. Kneeling, he offered a string of beads as a present and said: "Your Excellency is like my father. I always carry out your instructions as an obedient son should."
"Get out of here," shouted the governor, throwing away the beads. Then the governor told his retinue: "That fool calls his wife his 'mother' and himself her 'son'. How can he treat me in a like manner?"
Just then a woman was heard screaming for her 'boy'. It was the governor's wife.
The governor kicked over his chair and declared: "Gentlemen, the meeting is over. You are all excused."
Red Candles
A deputy magistrate was illiterate and kept accounts by drawing pictures of whatever he bought. While the deputy was absent, the magistrate visited his office and opened the account book.
Puzzled, he drew red lines beside the items he couldn't figure out.
The deputy magistrate returned and looked at the book. "Why are you putting down in my book all the candles you have bought for yourself?" he asked his boss.
Fast Talker
Someone sent a longevity pill to the king of Chin. An officer carrying the pill to the court was asked by an archer if the pill was edible. Upon hearing an affirmative answer, the archer grabbed and swallowed the pill.
The angry king ordered the archer brought before him and put to death. But the archer managed to save his neck, saying: "I took the pill because the officer told me it could be eaten. He is the one to blame. Furthermore, the pill was for long life. If Your Majesty should kill me, the pill would have to be called a death pill. Will you kill an innocent man and let the world know that someone tried to give you a death pill?"
Happy Fish
Premier Tse Chan of the kingdom of Cheng received a gift of live fish. He told the gardener to keep the fish in the pond but the man cooked and ate them. Then the gardener reported to Tse Chan: "I released the fish and they began to swim—first gently, then vigorously. After a while, they dived to the bottom and were seen no more."
Said Tse Chan: "The fish must be happy in the right place."
Chinese Jack Benny
An official stopped at a small restaurant on his way to the ministry. His servant also was hungry and asked for a bowl of noodles. The place was crowded and the official could not refuse and lose face. But he was unhappy about spending an extra 12 cents and found fault with the servant at every conceivable opportunity.
On the way home that evening, the servant was riding his horse ahead of the official's carriage. "Why are you riding ahead of me?" the official complained. The servant came alongside the carriage. "How can you ride by my side when you are not my equal?" the official demanded. When the servant dropped behind, he was accused of not doing his job.
In desperation, the servant asked:
"Where do you want me to ride?"
The official replied: "I don't care where you ride. Just pay me the 12 cents for your bowl of noodles."
Half a Moon Cake
Chang and Li of Soochow were notoriously stingy. With the Moon Festival approaching, Chang asked his son to send a drawing of a fish—in lieu of a real fish—to Li as a gift. Li was away but his son accepted the gift. Young Li then formed his fingers in the shape of a moon cake and asked Chang's son to take it home.
When Li returned and was told of the gift, he banged the table and shouted: "You big fool! Half a moon cake would have been more than enough."
Nothing Lost
A man returning from the marketplace told his wife he couldn't buy rice because he had lost his purse. When his wife complained about his carelessness, he snapped: "What are you complaining about? The money still is in the purse, isn't it?"
Ghost Catcher
A man liked to pretend he was rich. When a guest came, he called for tea. When his wife came with the tea, he asked where her husband was—seeking to impress the visitor with possession of at least two servants.
"He is out on an errand," she said. "When will he be back?" asked the man. His wife answered:
"He won't be back for a while. But his ghost is sitting right in this room pretending that he is rich and has servants."
Doctor's Wife
A doctor lost a young patient through malpractice. To avoid a damage suit, he gave his son to the bereaved father for adoption. On another occasion, he had to surrender a servant. A few weeks later, a neighbor knocked at his door at night and said his wife was sick. The doctor turned to his own wife and said: "What rascals! This time they are after you."
Thin Patients
The doctor's patient died. As compensation, the doctor was asked to pay for the funeral. But he was too poor to hire pallbearers. He summoned his wife, son, and daughter-in-law to help. The coffin was heavy. As they stumbled along to the graveyard, the doctor's wife told him: "Choose only thin patients in the future."
Buried Mistakes
The King of Hades sent some of his lieutenants to this world to see which doctors were competent. "If there are no ghosts lined up at the door, the doctor must be able," he said.
Every doctor's doorway swarmed with ghosts. The visitors from the other world walked themselves lame before they found a doorway without any shades of departed patients. The doctor was in the doorway, though, just hanging up his shingle.
Reducing a Fever
A doctor was asked to see a boy with a high fever. He prescribed medicines but the boy died. The angry father said he was going to sue the doctor. The doctor said: "I don't see anything wrong. He doesn't have any fever now."
Quick Thinking
The baby died and the doctor was asked to bury it. On his way home, the baby in his bag, the doctor stopped to see a patient. As he opened his bag, the household was shocked at the sight of the dead baby. Said the doctor: "I'm taking this one home to revive it."
Getting Even
The teacher at a small private school dozed off. When he awoke, he said he had been dreaming of the Duke of Chou (the first ruler of the Chou dynasty).
Catching a student napping in class the next day, he woke and scolded him.
"I also went to see the Duke of Chou," said the boy.
"What did he say?"
"The duke said he didn't see you yesterday."
Wrong Corpse
A man lost his mother-in-law and asked a village teacher to write the eulogy. The teacher copied some passages from a book. When the man found out the passages were in tribute to a wife, he asked the teacher to explain. The teacher said: "These words are from a book. There can't be any mistake. Maybe the wrong person died."
Precocious Retort
When Kung Yung, a great scholar of the 3rd century A.D., was only 10 years old, his father took him to a party in the capital. Many officials praised the boy's talent. Chen Wei disagreed. "A highly intelligent boy does not necessarily become a great man," he said.
The boy heard the remark and said: "Sir, I take it that when young you were highly intelligent."
Greedy Scholar
A greedy but impoverished scholar met an old friend who said he had learned how to change anything into gold by touching it. To prove his magic, the friend changed a pebble into gold and gave it to the scholar, who then asked that a stone be changed into gold. When this was done, the scholar still wasn't happy. "What do you want now?" asked the friend. "Your fingers," said the scholar.
Living to Enjoy It
A rich man said to a greedy poor man: "I'll give you one thousand dollars if you'll let me beat you to death." After a moment of reflection, the greedy one asked: "How about beating me half to death?"
Grateful Sucker
A man was hired to receive a beating in place of the guilty man, who was rich. The whip cracked hard and the pain was unbearable. The man begged the officer to ease up and bribed him with the money he had received. When the beating was over, he crawled to the rich man and said gratefully: "If it hadn't been for the money you gave me, I might have been beaten to death."
No Difference
A rich man bragged of his wealth to a poor man. "I am as well off as you," said the poor man. "How much money do you have?" sneered Mr. Moneybags. The poor man replied: "You have money but are too stingy to spend. I want to spend but have no money. What's the difference?"
Smile, Partner
A man prepared an "IOU" and asked his friend for a loan. "I don't need a receipt," said the friend. "Just bring me a drawing of your smiling face." Asked why, the friend said: "You won't be smiling when I go to your house to collect the money."
Unlucky Thief
A thief entered the house of a poor man and got nothing. He spat in disgust and was about to leave when the poor man, who had been awake but lying quietly on his bed, spoke up: "Close the door after you, and don't bang it!"
Piece of Rope
A thief was sent to prison. His friends came to see him and asked what he had done. "I was taking a walk when I saw a rope on the ground," he answered. "I took it home, thinking no one wanted it."
"Then why are you in jail?"
"Well, you see, there was something tied to the other end of the rope-a cow."
Pickpocket Prodigy
The best male pickpocket in Shanghai married the best female pickpocket in Nanking.
A boy was born. The midwife couldn't open the baby's clenched right fist. The father sent for a doctor. The doctor heard the story, took out his gold watch, and dangled it in front of the baby. Stretching out his hand for the watch, the infant dropped the gold ring he bad slipped off the midwife's finger.
Parents for Sale
The Chinese have many polite ways of referring to other people's parents.
A boy was tending his parents' store while they were away. A shopper asked: "Where is your ling-tsun?" "We ain't got none," the boy said. "Then where is your ling-tang?" "Never heard of it."
When his parents returned, the boy asked: "Why don't we have ling-tsun and ling-tang?"
"What a fool!" said the father. "They are 'your father' and 'your mother'."
"I see," said the son. "So you are both for sale!"
Thunder-in-Law
On a visit to his wife's parents, a man was asked by his father-in-law what the willow tree in front of the house was good for. "If it becomes big enough, some wheels may be made from it," he answered. The old man was glad his son-in-law wasn't as stupid as some people thought.
In the kitchen, the young man saw an earthenware mortar and remarked: "If that thing were bigger, we might use it as a handmill." At this moment, his mother-in-law broke wind. "If that had been a little louder, it would have been a peal of thunder," said son-in-law.
Runaway Ice Cubes
A foolish young man was invited to a feast at the house of his wife's parents. Impressed by the cubes of ice served with dessert—for he had never seen ice before—he pocketed some and went home. He told his wife: "I have brought back something for you to eat." He put his hand in his pocket and found only dampness. "Sorry," he said, "the animals urinated and ran away."
Burned-up Papa
Before going on a trip, a father told his son: "If someone asks for me, tell him I have gone away on business. And don't forget to invite him in for tea." To make sure the boy wouldn't forget, the father wrote out the instructions.
A day passed without any visitor, then a second. On the third day, the boy thought the paper was useless and burned it.
On the fourth day, a man called and asked to see the father. The boy put his hand in his pocket for the paper, then remembered. "Gone," he muttered.
"Gone? When?" asked the visitor.
"Burned yesterday," the boy replied.
Bird in the Hand
A drunk dreamed he was offered a drink.
The wine was of high quality, so he decided to have it warmed. Before the wine was ready, he woke up. Groaning, he said: "I should have drunk it cold."
Poisonous Wine
A wine lover was afraid the servants would sample his bottles. Before going out, he told a new servitor that the two bottles in the cupboard contained poison. As soon as the master was gone, the servant made a banquet of leftover ham and chicken and washed it down with the two bottles.
He was drunk and asleep on the floor when the master returned. Awakened and asked what had happened, the servant said: "A big cat ran away with the ham. Then a dog snatched the chicken. I knew I was to blame and decided to commit suicide. I took the poison in the bottles ... Go away and let me die in peace."
Hot and Good
A man from the country visited his relatives in the city and was offered the most expensive tea brewed in the choicest spring water. "Good, good," he commented. Asked whether the tea or the spring water was better, he said: "When things are hot, they always are good."
Advance Tip
A man was served poorly at a restaurant but still lavishly tipped the waiter a dollar. A few days later, he returned and was promptly and well served by the same waiter. This time he tipped only 20 cents. The puzzled waiter asked if the service had been satisfactory. "The service was all right," said the man. "I tipped a dollar last time for today's service. The tip today is for the service last time."
Two of a Kind
A stupid man couldn't enter the city gate carrying his long bamboo pole. He held it vertically. The gate was not high enough. Then he held it horizontally. The gate was not wide enough. He didn't have sense enough to point it forward. Passers-by decided to have fun with him, and told him to see Li San, the wise old man.
It so happened that Li San was riding his donkey toward the city gate. The people cheered and ran up to him. The old man was seated precariously on the donkey's behind. "Why don't you move up a bit and ride as everyone else does?" the stupid man asked. "Don't you see I can't?" said the old man. "The rein is too long."
Six-Leg Speed
The sender of a letter lent his messenger a horse to speed delivery. The messenger took the letter and started off behind the horse. "Ride the horse," the sender called. "I want the letter delivered quickly."
"I'm hurrying," the messenger answered. "Walking on six legs must be faster than on four."
Where Am I?
Taking a convicted monk to prison, a policeman stopped at an inn for the night. The monk bought him strong drink and the policeman passed out. After shaving the policeman's head, the monk ran away. Awakening in the night, the policeman felt a rope around his neck, touched his shaven head, and called out: "The monk is here but where am I?"
Sooner the Better
A quarrelsome wife in Chang-an told her husband she would get married again as soon as he was dead. "Not before my body is cold, please," her husband told her. When he died, his wife immediately began fanning the body.
Older the Better
A rich old lady had difficulty marrying off her ugly daughters. She offered a dowry of $5,000 for her 20-year-old daughter, $10,000 for the 25-year-old, and $15,000 for the 30-year-old eldest. A young fortune-hunter asked: "Are you sure you haven't an older daughter?"
Bride's Lament
Brides of olden times were supposed to weep as they were carried to their new homes on bridal chairs. One girl wept so bitterly the sedan-carriers offered to take her home to her parents. "Hurry up!" the bride answered. "I'm crying because we're not there yet."
Which Bride?
A man could not afford enough people for a wedding procession. So he resorted to the ancient custom of bride-snatching. On the day of the wedding, he sent some of his friends to "fetch" the bride. None of them had seen the girl and bundled up her younger sister. "No, you've got the wrong one," shouted the bride. "Never mind what she says," younger sister said. "She is lying. Hurry up!"
Shoe the Husband
Climbing out the bedroom window of his neighbor's wife, a man lost one shoe. The husband picked up the telltale evidence. He put the shoe under his pillow and said: "In the morning I'll find out who the man is and teach him a lesson."
When he was asleep, his wife substituted one of his own shoes. When the man found the shoe belonged to him, he said: "It looks like it was I who climbed out the window."
Female Strategist
The servant's wife was accommodating both the master of the house and his son. The young master was in her room one afternoon when his father knocked at the door. He hid himself under the bed as the old master came in. Then the servant's footsteps were heard outside. The woman told the master: "Pick up a piece of wood and run out of the room as if you were very angry." The master did so, almost bumping into the servant.
"What's the matter with him?" asked the servant. His wife said: "The young master did something wrong and the old master is looking for him everywhere. You had better sec that young master doesn't get killed."
When her husband was gone, she put her head over the side and told young master he could come back to bed.
Two Husbands
Despite arranged marriages, girls were often given a choice. One girl was asked to choose between a rich young man who was not handsome and a handsome young man who was not rich.
"I want both of them," she said. "I'll stay at the house of the rich husband by day and see my other husband at night."
Ignore Those Kisses
Lao-san, a bachelor neighbor, often wooed her when they were alone, so she asked her husband for advice. "Just ignore him" was the answer. Said she: "Do you mean it's all right for him to make love to me as long as I ignore him?"
Rice Talks Back
A young man was in love with the wife of his neighbor. They were together in her room when the husband returned and started banging on the locked door. With retreat cut off, the young man hid himself in a sack in the corner. As she opened the door, her husband demanded: "What's in that sack?" As she stuttered and stammered, a mulled voice came from the sack: "Say it's rice!"